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Shaft Will Save Everyone of Us
Thursday, April 07, 2005Ok, so I will admit this personally to Upb tomorrow but it will posted here first.
I have a real job.
What led me to finally admit this?
Even with all of real job things about my position I was only able to admit to having 9/10's of a real job.
Today I was told that we get stock options.
Ok, so I guess I really do have a real actual grown up job now.
It doesn't mean I have to be a grown up though.
Or give them a god damn dime!
Thus spake Shaft at 6:35 PM
Monday, March 14, 2005I have to learn to more of an asshole sometimes.
Not be so patient.
I just need to learn to let it go.
Let me explain.
Last Thursday I went to pay a bill to bloodsuckers at the hospital and due to some incorrect info given to me by the schmucks at the switchboard by the time I got there the cashiers office was closed. So, while standing there swearing under my breath I spied a sign that said that they will take payments 24 hours a day and that I should dial double zero on the phone underneath the sign. So I did so and spoke with people in the switchboard who gave me poor directions to where they were. So after a few minutes I found them and was asked for a check by the 19 year old idiot working the window. The idiot saw that I had a piece of paper with the info about what I owed them on it. Now. This piece of paper was issued by a legal office telling me that I owed $159.45, the piece of paper was not issued by the hospital. Seeing this paper the girl says "Gimme it". Not "Excuse me sir may I see that?" Nope. She says "Gimme it." My reply was that she can have it in a second as I was currently using it to gather the correct info for the check. Her reply was a cock of the hip and loud sigh/groan. After barely getting the info I needed she snatched the paper out of my hand and then shouted at the woman who was on the phone next to her that she didn't know what to do with the paper. I replied that she did not need the paper as it had nothing to do with them. My check had the proper account number and amount on it and that I would need the paper back. The girl was waved away by the woman on the phone and then in a very sassy manner she tells me she needs a copy of the paper. Before I can object she is gone with it. When she returns I hand her my check and with another cock of the hip and whiny tone she tells me that I wrote out the check for the wrong amount. "Excuse me!?" I reply. "You owe us $188.00 not $159 she states" I told her that all she is getting today is $159 and the rest is lawyers fees and I don't pay lawyers fees. With this she tries to get the attention of the woman on the phone who again waves her away. At this point I ask for a receipt as I don't know that she was even going to give me one. She writes one out and as I am putting my stuff in my pockets she stands there waving it at me impatiently.
Now, If you're still with me.
Should I have:
A. Done nothing.
B. Complained to her supervisor.
C. Told her that she should destroy the copy as it was a personal document that she had no
right to a copy of and that she had better get her attitude in check.
D. Jumped the counter, knocked the god damn teeth out of her face with the phone and choked her with my cock to shut her up.
It's in the past now so nothing can be done but should a similar situation arise please vote below so that I may have an idea of how to react in the future.
This message brought to you by the Shaft's not giving them a god damn dime foundation.
Thus spake Shaft at 10:00 PM
Hey look, me blogs different. I like it dark sometimes, it's just much easier on the eyes.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005So I'm watchin Next Gen' today and it was Worf's birthday.
I have one question.
Do you have to give the royalty fee to AOL/Time Warner if
you sing the happy birthday to you song in Klingon?
Thus spake Shaft at 1:51 PM
Tuesday, March 01, 2005Does anybody even read this thing any more?
I haven't posted in 3 months.
I'll be losing my job in 2 weeks.
I will be smoking and eating while being unemployed.
Probably jacking it too.
You know, painting my own chair.
So I like to watch things that piss me off on television. Why is that?
Do I enjoy torturing myself? Is that it? Or do I get my aggressions out by yelling
at the television about how much this person sucks or how that guy should grow some
balls. All of the above I think.
When I grow up I wanna be P Diddy.
That way I get to drink the finest of breastmilks.
I'm shuttin' down the studio.
Wouldn't wanna be ya.
Thus spake Shaft at 2:49 AM
Sunday, November 21, 2004What the hell happened to hip hop?
It seems to me that hip hop that is popular now is nothing more than baggy pants, bling bling, and unintelligible hoots and hollers repeated in a rhythmic manner.
It's great to make fun of, but not to so good to hear.
What? What? What? OK!!
Oh Little John, you are so funny.
Thus spake Shaft at 2:53 AM
Wednesday, November 17, 2004Too many geek questions that I don't have an answer for.
Please let me know if you have the answer to any of these questions.
1. In the year 2154 Dr. Arik Soong tries to revive genetic engineering by capturing embryos from a space station to raise them on a remote planet. The embryos are ones left over from the eugenics wars of the late 20th and early 21st century on earth. In 2338 a Dr. Noonien Soong builds Data. I will not explain Data because if you know me and are reading this then you know who Data is. The question. Is Dr. Noonien Soong a descendent of Dr. Arik Soong? And furthermore, the man who came to power and ruled over a large portion of the earth during the eugenics wars was Khan Singh. Khan's middle name is Noonien. Is this just a coincidence? Was Dr. Noonien Soong named after Khan?
There are two books that chronicle the rise of Khan Singh, I should read these. It might answer some questions.
Thus spake Shaft at 2:11 AM
Saturday, November 13, 2004Yo, I'm the cunt breath asshole eater
And if you let me physically eat it, it only get (burps)
Yo, the race we'll lose
I'm ?? the booze
Don't eat the food!
AAAAHH! If you really want to cum
This dope game get your pussy numb
YO! FUCK Y'ALL! EVERYBODY!
You don't want
You don't want fuck with me ('Cause my name is Ol' Dirty)
You Don't Want To Fuck With Me
by Ol' Dirty Bastard
Old Dirty Bastard, aka, Dirt McGirt, aka, Big Baby Jesus, aka,
Russell Jones, aka, Old Dirty Chinese Restaurant
May he continue to be drunk but no longer confused.
Thus spake Shaft at 10:15 PM
Thursday, November 11, 2004Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, that's what the customers I've dealt with today are, Stupid. I don't expect everyone to know everything and I especially don't expect the average
joe to know anything about photo reproduction. But I do. Know everything and especially about
photo reproduction. Today it took me 20 minutes to explain to a customer why a color photocopy of a Polaroid (no shaking it) would not work as a submission for our custom photo ornament.
Let me explain, we sell ornaments that can be personalized with your photo. We take the photo and make it the front of the ornament, put your own message on the back and send 'em on out. The ornament is 3 x 5, so the larger and crisper the photo you send in, the better of a digital file we have to work from when the ornament is made. So an ornament made from a scan of a color photocopy of the original Polaroid (still no shaking it) will quite frankly, suck. It will suck a lot of balls. The best part of all of this is that at some point during the conversation the customer tells me that she is purchasing these for her secretaries, as she is there boss, in a large company, where she makes six figures. Now, how can someone who is in such a position of power not know anything about the process. Again I don't expect them to know the whole process, but I am sure that just about anyone who works in an office would know that a copy of a copy of a crappy original won't work for much other that wiping your ass or kindling for starting a fire. I mean I even had to explain what a digital scan was to this person. I suppose that this persons knowledge could be so great and specified as to the exclusion of just about everything else but I don't think so, I am pretty sure that they are just stupid.
(Insert Dilbert cartoon here)
Thus spake Shaft at 9:08 PM
zzzzz, zzzzz, zzzzz, zzzzz, zzzzz.
Monday, August 09, 2004LADIES AND GENTLEMEN YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE:
Due to unforeseen circumstances my mother will be working every weekend until September.
This means that any trips to my parent's house are hereby canceled. The next time that a trip there would be possible would be the weekends of Sept 4th - 5th or 18th - 19th.
Thus spake Shaft at 8:10 PM
Monday, August 02, 2004LISTEN UP BITCHES!
This is what's going down.
First, I'm gonna work like the little monkey that I am till Friday.
Second, on Friday I would like the Hawaiians to join me at Koreana in Appleton.
Third, I figure the gang can go to the bar where we can enjoy drinks and I will smoke a big fat cigar, possibly two. Cause you know why? It's my damn birthday that's why.
Fourth, I will wake up at 9am on Saturday and go to work where I will again like a little monkey work at slamming my cymbals together again and again and again.
Fifth, Sunday, I will go to the Robin's Nest where I hope to be joined by the rest of the Hawaiians and I will provide a tasty cake of some sort. I have not decided what kind yet.
If other folks were so inclined as to prepare or bring baked goods I am sure they will be appreciated by all. If anyone was so kind as to purchase or create a gift they can present it to me at that time.
This is what I command.
Shaft has spoken.
Thus spake Shaft at 4:13 PM
Sunday, August 01, 2004Ladies and Gentlemen: Please follow the following: This is where my blog will be for future viewing pleasure. Thank You. Shaft
Thus spake Shaft at 10:29 PM
Friday, July 02, 2004People there is something you should know. There is a product out there that should never be consumed by an normal human. That product is Extra Smooth Super Premium Camo 40. Yesterday I drank two of them and after more than 12 hours of sleep, two boxes of macaroni and cheese and over 100 ounces of water I still feel like ass. Now it's not like I'm a lightweight, I sit down to a pizza and a six pack of High Life on a regular basis and that only makes me feel full with it's tasty champagne of beer goodness. So it's not like 72 ounces of beer is foreign to my system. But eighty ounces of Camo 40 will render me a blubbering, stumbling moron. Then the next day I feel like I've spent a week between the ass cheeks of a sumo wrestler with a flatulence problem.
Consider yourself warned.
Thus spake Shaft at 4:27 PM
Saturday, June 26, 2004Ladies and gentlemen if I weren't so drunk I would be more fucking pissed off. As most of you know I work for the most part in the evening. Due to this I TiVo most of the TV that I watch. For the last two Wednesdays it has rained like a motherfucker between like 8 or 9 pm. And for the last two Wednesdays my shows have been interrupted because of it. First of all, one of the things that pisses me off is the way people react to the rain. "Oh no, it's raining" "I don't want to get wet" "Hurry, run, it's raining." Now unless your are wearing tissue paper for clothing or you just got your hair did I don't understand the concept of fear of water falling from the sky. I'm not even going to mention the famous quote from the Hagakure. Despite all of the hooting and hollering people do the thing that pisses me off the most about the rain is the fucking weather people on television. "We now interrupt the program your watching just long enough so that you miss the most important part of the plot so that we can tell you it's raining. Because obviously that sound you here outside has confused all of you. No ladies and gentlemen it's not the rapture, it's just rain." See here's my deal, you ready... Unless it's the fucking second coming of Christ or the ruskies just launched a fucking nuclear fucking strike against the U.S. I don't give a flying rats ass fuck about the fucking weather. If want to know how long it will be fucking raining for I will look on the damn uburweb or check the weatherchannel. "But Shaft, not everyone has cable or internet access. What about those people?" Oh, gee I don't know. I guess, you know what... FUCK 'EM. What the hell do you think our forefathers did when it rained? That's right, they stuck their head out the window and said "Gee it's raining. Wonder when it will stop? Oh well, who gives a shit. Hey wench, bring me more ale! Fuck the king! Etc."
Just another chapter in the saga called Shaft ain't giving them a God damn dime.
Thus spake Shaft at 10:41 PM
Thursday, June 24, 2004Hey kids, here is my fantabulous Andy Rooney impression.
Why is it that when some people say the words whipped cream they elongate the words as if to illustrate its wonderful decadence. "Reeaal Whipped Creeeeaaaam" I don't understand. Sure whipped cream is good, it's damn good. But some people act as if eating whipped cream will transport them to some wonderful place where birds and beavers and humans and lizards and all manners of furry creatures live in orgasmic utopian bliss. I don't get it. It's whipped cream people. You buy it at the grocery store. It's cheap. Your bring it home already whipped (my preference, mmmm nitrogen flavor) or you buy the components and then whip, whip it good.
Thus spake Shaft at 9:15 AM
Monday, June 21, 2004So I had posted a bunch about how my credit card company sucks and then I went to post about it and my post fucked up my blog. The credit card website wouldn't let me enter my account and then when I tried a bunch of times it told me I had to change the password. So I went to change the website and it told me that it tried to but "forgot" my information and I should call the company. Stupid fucks. So I went to post about it and it fucked up my blog somehow. So I changed the template. It was about time anyway and now I have a pretty new blog to look at. So I have not posted or read anyone's blog in a while. I haven't even read any of the comics I normally read. It took me a while to become conditioned to dealing with people everyday at my job. In my old job I would sit by myself and not talk to anyone for long stretches. Now all I do is talk to people and I forgot how mentally draining it is. For the last few weeks I would come home and just pass out in the living room. But now I am fully trained for sales and used to talking to customers all day. So now I am not as tired when I come home. This means I should hopefully post regularly again. Not as much as I could before when I was on the internet all day and getting payed for it. But as soon as I get caught up reading the last three weeks of stuff I should back at it again.
Thus spake Shaft at 1:19 AM
Thursday, May 27, 2004So at work today I was thinking about this Robert Frost line:
" Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
I was thinking about how this poem only tells one side of the story.
I mean, you never hear the story about the guy who took the road less traveled and got eaten by bears.
Thus spake Shaft at 10:13 PM
Sunday, May 16, 2004Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages, kats and kittens and all the hep hep people of the world.
I AM DONE
I am officially no longer employed by you know who and tomorrow begins my new job. In my own neighborhood. Let's hope that from now on the beer flows like wine and everything comes up whores and donuts.
Thus spake Shaft at 2:31 PM
Monday, May 10, 2004I know this is old news but it's something that I started thinking about today. I realized that I will no longer be able to get supersize fries and drink at any McDonalds in this country. Not only does this go against one of the principle rules of business, namely, give the customer what they want. It is one more instance that illustrates that our country is a bunch of fucking sheep that are herded from one fad to the next by the media. Take for example the low carb fad. CARBOHYDRATES PROVIDE THE MAIN SOURCE OF ENERGY FOR OUR BODIES YOU STUPID FUCKING MORONS!!! Cnn.com says in this article that McDonalds is "under growing public pressure to give consumers healthier food options." Ok fine, that fits with what has been forced down my throat increasingly in grocery stores and on T.V. commercials lately. Although I've been hearing the cry for more healthy this and that since the first time I was introduced to fitness tests for the presidents council on physical fitness. Thanks a lot Ike, I sure loved being told I was fat! Thankfully congress acted quickly and passed a bill so the gotardedly obese can't sue fast food for their huge ass anymore. Although people who opposed the bill said the "lawsuits [are] more about helping a special interest group shore up its bottom line than about shrinking the waistlines of millions of Americans." Yeah, cause a business protecting itself from people misusing their product is wrong. We should be able to sue anyone for anything. I shouldn't have to be held accountable for any of my own actions. The lawsuits and settlements against the tobacco companies proved that. Because of the removal of supersizes I will no longer be frequenting McDonalds. I am sending them a letter to that fact as well, who knows if someone will read it. I will be thanking them for the many years of tasty products and will be informing them that I am one consumer that will be alienated by their recent decision and because of it I will not return to their establishments until the supersizes do.
Thus spake Shaft at 8:36 PM
Sunday, May 09, 2004
Tee hee I'm Jordan. That's so exciting. Maybe now the girls will want me.
I know Angela will at least.
Thus spake Shaft at 12:28 PM
Saturday, May 08, 2004Hey kids, by now most of you know that as of the 16th of may I will no longer have to were a blue polyester uniform five days a week. Unless I would want to, for like some weird sex thrill or something where I play a cop and have to "pat down" a perpetrator and use my "nightstick" against them if they got violent. I would then "put them under arrest" and "read them their rights" and take them to the station to be "booked". Then I would have to "testify" before the court about what the person did. They would be given a "trial" by a jury of their "peers" and if convicted would be "incarcerated" in a "penitentiary". I think you all know what I'm talking about. Awww Yeah! Makes you hot doesn't it. Oh fifth and sixth amendment's, you are so sexy, I want to lick you all over and make sweet sweet ... I'm Sorry, I've gotten off track. On May 17th I will begin work in the same building and even in the same room as our friend Boo-G. I won't mention the name of the place here but I think you all know where he works. I will be working a whole 2 blocks from my house, so I will able to walk to work every day. Probably even in winter. Now I know what all of you are saying, "But shaft, aren't you the guy who said if he could drive his car to the side of his bed at bedtime and park it there just to avoid walking the 20 feet to the bedroom he would?" Yes, I am that guy, but common sense has to rule out on this one because it would take me twice as long to drive the two blocks and find a parking space than it would just to walk there. Yes, I know this because I have already tried it. So it looks like the warranty on my fancy new car will run out of years before it runs out of miles. I'm fine with that, less upkeep. Also, I'll be saving about 25 bucks a week not driving a half hour to work every day. I will be keeping my part time job, at least until I can transfer in to a full time position there. I will only be getting 35 to 37 hours a week and that suits me just fine for now. Combined with the part time job I will make more than enough to live off of and will actually be further ahead each week than what I am earning now. So that's the gist of it, anyone wants to know more should ask me when they see me. It hasn't really hit yet that I will be leaving my current job, I have wanted to for so long and now that I finally am it almost makes me a little sad. I think because I have gotten used to the pattern for the past year and now I have to change. But the small amount of sadness does nothing compared to the excitement that this new job will give me most of the life back that was taken when I got fired over two years ago. In one way I am glad that I got fired though. I believe almost everything happens for a reason and the reason I got fired over two years ago was to teach me to be financially responsible. I was already mostly responsible, most of the bills got paid on time but others didn't. The biggest problem was that I never really knew where all of my money went. I would pay the bills that were the most important or the most overdue and if there was any money left it just seemed to disappear. Being unemployed for a year and having to make every dollar count made me have to budget the bread and know where every penny went. I'm not a total Nazi about it though, I allow for a give or take amount every week in case I need it for something important that I didn't figure on or the mood strikes me to blow it on something or other. But on the whole every nickel is accounted for, maybe not every penny, but every nickel certainly. So that's about it for now. Mothers day in on Sunday. Big shout out to all the mom's in the world.
Thus spake Shaft at 10:17 AM
Wednesday, May 05, 2004Ladies and gentlemen, just what you always wanted. The ability to easily and quickly comment on the stuff that spews forth from my mind. Comment and comment often. Tell me what you think. Do not hold back. It is your destiny. When you got the glow, you need the glow, you need the glow the glow to grow, when you live to love, you love to live, huh, you got to move to the upper level, ho! Just remember.
When you reach that upper level your mind body and soul will be one.
Thus spake Shaft at 6:06 PM
Wednesday, April 28, 2004Ladies and Gentlemen there is something I need to report to you.
Something that is a great injustice. A travesty. A stain on the fabric of the otherwise great state that we live in. Something so bad that every time I think of it, it makes me cry. Not just one lonely tear, but
big uncontrollable sobs.
The matter that gives me such great pain every time I think of it ladies and gentlemen, is that there is one, only one lonely Long John Silvers in our state. There is a matter that compounds the situation ladies and gentlemen, and that is the fact that the one and only Long John Silvers in our state, is exactly 74.15 miles away from my humble home. Oh help me! Help me god of fried foods. I can not go there on a whim as those blessed folks who live near it can. I can not partake of the holy hushpuppies any time I want. I can not eat a chicken plank, that's right, not a chicken portion, not a chicken stick, not even a chicken filet, but a chicken plank anytime I would like. The thing that really and truly hurts me deepest though, is that I can not partake of the communion of THE GIANT SHRIMP (said in a loud booming voice). Ladies and gentlemen, if you are not aware, I am speaking of a tasty, deep fried, golden brown shrimp half a foot long.
I wish something could be done about this, but I do not believe that any of us can solve a problem that is this big. So I must go ladies and gentlemen, go and come to terms with this horrible, horrible atrocity.
Do not fret for me, I am strong. I will survive.
I only hope everyone of you will be able to do the same.
Thus spake Shaft at 9:30 PM
Tuesday, April 27, 2004Hey hey kids. Today I was roaming about the internet and happened on the Williams-Sonoma website. I am sure many of you who are fond of cooking have perused it many times but this is the first time I have looked at anything on there in any depth. The website is rad, so many nifty things to buy for the kitchen and the home and recipes and articles to read and I wish I had a giant old house and tons of cash to blow. In looking through the site I came across the mixes they sell for bundt cakes. Follow my link and click on the bundt cake boxes, now look at the bold line of text above the copy. See the circle R after the word bundt. I ask myself, are they trademarking Williams-Sonoma Bundt or is the word Bundt trademarked by some other company? As usual I turn to the great and wise google to answer all questions that need answering. By searching through a couple different sites I find that the word Bundt circle R is a registered trademark of Robin Hood Multifoods Inc. Ok, so question answered. In my search, one of the websites that I came across is for a company called B.C. Bundt. They make cakes. Their front page also has some of the worst copy that I have read.
Now, I don't claim to know everything about the English language. I am probably pretty bad at spelling and grammar compared to the learned among us but I am pretty sure that I know more than the unwashed masses. So, having said that, let's look at the first sentence.
",which is basically a round cake with a hole in the middle."
When I was in first grade we were given sentences to examine that had extra stuff in them and we had to tell the teacher what didn't belong or what could be left out. Maybe the person who wrote the copy was sick that day. Also, in the same sentence, wouldn't it sound much nicer if it said that the company was one "that produces bundt cakes and round cakes exclusively."
But,let's forget about the rest of the paragraph, nobody wants to read an English lesson on my blog.
Let's skip to the best part.
"as well as our newest Hispanic cake for the growing Hispanic population"
Every time I read this it makes me laugh. I keep thinking of a group of marketers and executives sitting around a conference table and they decide that the thing most lacking in the Hispanic community is cake. I wish they made other racial types of cake. I want to be able to say to someone "Hey honey while your at the store could you get me some negro cake." One day after a nice meal you think to yourself "Man, you know what would really top this great meal off is some Mongoloid cake, yeah that would really taste great." How about some tasty Athabascan or Aleut cake, wouldn't that be awesome. The best cake of them all of course would be the Celtic cake, MMMMM you can just taste the potatoes and whiskey.
Thus spake Shaft at 7:59 PM
Sunday, April 25, 2004While doing my usual weekend reading of news and events of the past week, I came across this fun article. You really should read it. But since I know some of you may not. I will quote the best part.
"The Department of Energy is spending an astonishing $6.5 billion on nuclear weapons this year, and President Bush is requesting $6.8 billion more for next year and a total of $30 billion over the following four years. Measured in "real dollars" (that is, adjusting for inflation), this year's spending on nuclear activities is equal to what Ronald Reagan spent at the height of the U.S.-Soviet standoff. It exceeds by over 50 percent the average annual sum ($4.2 billion) that the United States spent—again, in real dollars—throughout the four and a half decades of the Cold War."
To quote Kyle Broflovski's mother "What what what!"
I could quote some really intelligent philosophical thing about peace and no war and all that crap, but I think a gentleman by the name of Al Yankovic sums it up nicely.
"Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin'.
It's the end of all humanity.
No more time for last minutes shoppin'.
It's time to face your final destiny."
Thus spake Shaft at 8:34 AM
Thursday, April 15, 2004So I was gonna post something to further the discussion about cooking baking science art that plinko had posted about, but I am dead fucking tired. I don't know why, but I almost didn't make it out of bed today and I have been tired all day. People have even been saying to me that I look tired. So I don't feel like thinking right now.
So instead I will post the description for an episode of the flip flop shop staring Mary Lou Retton from Christianbook.com. Don't ask me how I came across it, I don't remember.
Mary Lou's Flip Flop Shop is an entertaining and educational new video series that will have children everywhere jumping off the couch to join in with the flipping and flopping! The show is set in a wonderful "moving" environment (designed by Emmy award winner Jimmy Cuomo). Everything is "bigger than life'...chairs, stairs, doors, windows, everything "flips and flops"...it's a fun shop full of imagination. Kids will meet wonderful new characters including Jumpy, Mary Lou's sidekick and best friend, Miss Warble, the Flip Flop Shop Custodian, Mr. Bump, the gangly, charming, clumsy delivery man, Professor Blinky the wise owl professor, and L.Z. Bones, the one who never wants to get up and get moving...he always has an excuse! The "real" kids that arrive at the Shop each day are from a mixed ethnic group and will give children viewers at home someone they can relate to and who can also illustrate the "Creative Movements" they should be joining in with.
In Learning to Share, everyone is anticipating the big Flip Flop Shop baseball game. But before the game even begins, things start to fall apart because no one wants to share! It doesn't take long before all the friends are arguing and "Coach" Bump has to cancel the game. But when Jumpy sets and example, the whole group learns what it really means to share, and the game is back on!
Thus spake Shaft at 9:18 PM
Sunday, April 11, 2004Right now, there are some of the most beautiful fat fluffy white goose down like snow flakes falling.
It really is pretty watching them fall, so light and graceful.
Too bad its fucking Easter.
So anyway Merry Chrism...
I mean, Happy Easter!
Thus spake Shaft at 9:33 AM
Thursday, April 08, 2004Good thing, bad thing.
Good thing: driving from the grocery store to my house after 11 p.m. Yellow lights all the way, set the cruise at 30 mph and you don't even have to touch the pedals till you reach home.
Bad thing: All the freaks at the grocery store at that hour. Usually they are pretty boring and most of the time they leave you alone, but the stuff in their carts is just strange. Like the two people in line in front of me on Tuesday night. Guy #1 had 4 loaves of white bread, 8, yep, 8 gallons of white milk and 2 gallons of chocolate. Guy #2 had, and I am not exaggerating, half a cart full of various canned fish products and two bags of spanish peanuts.
Maybe they're just really picky eaters.
Thus spake Shaft at 12:36 AM
Wednesday, April 07, 2004Today I have rediscovered something about myself. I rediscovered that I am either very good or very bad at work banter. Otherwise known as shooting the shit. When two people engage in small talk about work affairs that may or may not lead to something. Banter if done properly can bond one employee to the other in that we are all in the same boat way. Banter can also alienate two employees if they do not agree on something. This is often when one employee agrees or complies with someone in power in the company and the other employee does not. This can be done with outright disagreement but body language and non answers like "Oh, I don't know about that" or "Yeah, well" are usually the norm. The bonding can be beneficial if an individual is singled out for something, as another employee the individual has bonded with may be more apt to include themselves and stand by the individual in the situation be it positive or negative. If an employee alienates himself by either not engaging in banter or not including themselves in the group, they can find it very hard to advance in the company or sometimes, to even do their daily tasks. Banter is very important in the workplace.
Today I had to engage is banter. I do not mind really as I am generally a friendly person, but the person whom I was engaging in banter with kept referencing people and events that I knew nothing about. Now one can not just ask about every person or event as the person who started the banter will become bored with explaining himself and will end the conversation. The worst that can come of this is that the employee will not see me as one of the crew, that I am not in the same boat, and that may alienate me. So it is important to only ask certain things to be explained so that one can keep a balance in the conversation. Deciding what to have the person explain is done through a combination of intuition, prior knowledge, and asking about events prior to your employment. Intuition allows one person to understand another through body language and assuming that certain things lead to other certain things. Prior knowledge is a very important element in intuition as it allows for a base to link things to and a spring board to jump off in your understanding. Events prior to your employment are always safe things to ask about as you would not be expected to know anything about them. The explaining of past events can in turn fuel the intuition and feed the prior knowledge allowing one to gain a greater understanding about the entire conversation. Armed with a greater understanding one can jump to conclusions and venture opinions or quips related to the topics that the other person is discussing. This then will make the other person assume that you understand the thoughts they are trying to convey and the bonding can happen. If this is all done properly one needn't really say much to keep the conversation going, all one must do is relate at least a few insights from ones own past or offer quotes or quick anecdotes to make it look like you are actively engaging in the conversation. The unfortunate thing about engaging in banter this way is that since one comes away from the conversation still not having a complete idea as to what they were just discussing, one can not really know if the bonding has happened until one is singled out. Still, it is very important to engage in the banter as not engaging could lead to much worse things for the individual.
So I think what I am trying to say, is that I don't really know if I pull this off all of the time. In the past when I have been singled out, others that I have engaged in banter with (either knowing or not knowing what I was talking about), have come to my aid or agreed with me.
So I must be doing something right.
Thus spake Shaft at 8:15 PM
Wednesday, March 31, 2004Well miss Barbara Jackson that would be downright rad having your presence closer to us. I haven't read any of the plays that you mention except for the Seagull. I don't know that having Steppenwolf involved with any play is really a good idea though. I mean come on, Magic Carpet Ride was a fine song and Born To Be Wild was o.k. Some believe it was the beginning of a new era in music, but really they are so tie-dye, so hippy, so done. Now I mean they are not Dokken done but I think we have all been there before. Now, there is one band that would be wonderful for the theatre world and that in my opinion is The Edgar Winter Group. They are already kind of theatrical what with Mr. Winter having the long white hair and all of the stage fun. Just check out the website. I mean the only way to get more theatrical than a rock group fronted by an albino is to resurrect Bob Fosse from the dead and have him choreograph the band.
Thus spake Shaft at 5:31 PM
Sunday, March 28, 2004"If you do not have a pen of your own then that's too bad mister, you will get no sympathy from me!"
That's what I'd like to say to the wash of people who have come past my desk to sign up for new safety training. I used to have a few pens that I could give out but every single one that I put out someone took. So I got more pens. They took those too. So now I don't bother anymore. They know where the friggen supply rooms are and they know damn well that they have boxes and boxes of pens there for free. Some business' have a guy who takes inventory and lords over the office supplies. Not here, it's free pens for everyone, take as many as you like.
"But the supply room is all the way over by the copy machine, that's like 75 feet away!" Whine. Whine. Whine.
"It's o.k. I know how hard it is to walk all the way to the copy machine. Here, I'll get those pens for you. You sit down and rest while it takes me the whole 30 seconds to walk there and back. Would you like some tea or coffee while you wait? No, o.k. how about when I get back I ram the pens up your ass and make you dance a jig?"
My favorite phrase of the day is "How come we have to come in on our day off to get safety trained? I was safety trained when I started work here and that should be good enough"
The parent company wants everyone to be safety trained annually. In the past you were safety trained once when you were hired and if you worked here 30 years you were never trained again. But now since the company has a habit of sending people to the hospital and often enough to the morgue they decided that every employee, even in the offices, gets safety trained every year. I would assume that the insurance companies give them a break for it and I would also assume that lawsuits are less prevalent and harder to win when the employee is told annually not to stick his arm in the fucking machine. I do have to say that losing one of your days off to a six hour training is a bitch. But, THEY MAKE FUCKING DOUBLE TIME TO SIT THERE AND DO FUCKING NOTHING! Just so you understand, that means that an entry level employee will make a little more than 125 dollars to eat catered bagels and muffins and drink coke and stare at a fricken movie screen. Oh, didn't I tell you, they bring in bagels and muffins and soft drinks for these events. Yep, sure wouldn't want me an all I can eat continental breakfast and a check for 125 bucks, no siree, that would just blow donkey ass!
Thus spake Shaft at 1:15 PM