Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Hey guess what, it's me talking about work again. Well it's something I do alot, the working, so deal. Today at work is the day when everyone calls me from out in the plant or comes up to my desk and asks me if Wisconsin won. Now all of my friends know that shaft don't pay sports no never mind, but none of these people do. To them they see that I am a man so I must of course have the espn game ticker running in my head at all times. Now part of my job is providing information to people, at least that's how I see it. Plus I have the uberweb with which to obtain said information. So if they ask me about sports scores or why the sky is blue or how do I get from here to there I get them what they need. I kinda actually like helping people. It's sick, I know. But if someone asks me to provide info about something I don't know or care about then they will have to be happy with what they get, I ain't freakin' king Soloman. It is also not allowed to be annoyed when I ask questions to specify what information you are asking me for. If you were to ask me if Wisconsin won and I ask you what sport, you do not get to sigh heavily and reply in an annoyed tone of voice. "FOOTBALL!?!" Also, if I give you the scores for the game that happened three days ago because that's the first thing that popped up in blogger, you don't get to whine "NO, Today's game." I don't know when they play or who they play just 'cause I have a penis. I don't know when the football season ends and another sport begins so I think I will have to start wearing dresses to work and makeup and heels. That way no one HERE will confuse me with someone that's knows or cares about ballgames.


Happy new years to the gang and to all the gangs gang.
May your new year be filled with hoes that bring you your money on time and five-o's that leave you alone with your phat blunts and wine.
Thus spake Shaft at 8:10 PM

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

So if you were to see the sidewalks surrounding the building where I work you would think it had snowed. Only on the side walks. But that's not snow, that's salt. Good old Sodium Chloride, yep NaCl one atom sodium one atom chlorine. Why is there so much salt on the sidewalks shaft? Well cause I got bitched at, that's why. Some of you may have noticed the light dusting of snow that we received yesterday. Well good old crazy comes in at 10pm yellin and freaking out cause I didn't shovel the nonexistent amount of snow and I didn't salt the sidewalks in case the non existent snow were to turn to nonexistent ice. The policy states that whether or not we salt is up to our discretion. Well he takes that to mean that any snowfall and you salt. One flake of snow, you salt. If it looks like it might snow, salt. If you think of snow, you must salt. I guess I am wrong, I thought my discretion means I get to decide. Well not any more, squeaky wheels get the grease and now the policy states "in the event of snowfall, regardless of the amount, the sidewalks must be shoveled and salted thoroughly." So you want salt you get salt, and today I salted. And salted. And salted. And salted. It didn't even snow, but it's cold and it might rain and thats like snow, so I salted. The best part is, crazy doesn't even work here anymore. He's here two fucking days filling in and he's already causing a shit storm. Choad.
Thus spake Shaft at 8:33 PM

Monday, December 29, 2003

Some of you may remember a problem that I had with a certain brand of gin not too long ago. Well I happened to run across the website when looking for info about different kinds of bourbon. Burnetts is made by Heaven Hill distillery and to quote the raves and reviews section of their website the gin has
"spice, clove, honey, lemon topnote"
"pine needle, maple, anise on finish"
"straight up with lemon twist or with tonic"
"full bodied, good texture, long smooth finish with anise"

Sante
The Magazine for Restaurant Professionals
June 2002

that's pretty fancy sounding for 8 dollar gin. You don't think Mr. Sante is paid by Heaven Hill do you?
Notice the he says nothing about the gin giving him the shits.
I should e-mail the Heaven Hill and give my own review.

"The gin has topnotes of bathtub cleaner and wood grain alcohol, wonderfully surprising and takes one back to the great times had in gutters and back alleys during prohibition. Only a hint of the flavor of this bottom shelf product is covered by the Hawaiian Punch I mixed it with allowing the pungent overwhelming taste of industrial cleaning products to shine through, brilliant. The finish on this gin is satisfying if only because your glad that the alcohol has done its job and you're finally drunk enough to fall asleep without thinking about the trouble that drove you to drink 8 dollar gin. Overall a wonderfully surprising product that doesn't disappoint, even the next day when it leaves you running for the toilet crying with intestinal pain and squirting the liquid shit out of your bowels. Overall I rate it -9 out of 10."
Thus spake Shaft at 9:36 PM

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Of all the things that could be said about Christmas,
I think my man Linus Van Pelt had it down pretty good.

Happy Merry Christmas and Christmas Merry Happy
to all the gang and their family.
Thus spake Shaft at 6:58 PM

Monday, December 22, 2003

I think the lady at work just called me a communist. We were chatting about the health insurance companies and medical field and she says that it should be government regulated. I said that I whole heartedly agree as there is a whole mess of conspiracy in the medical and insurance fields. Then the phone rings and she gathers up her stuff and as she walks away she says "Communist." Now I don't know if that was the beginning of a sentence like "Communist maybe had it right" or "Communist might not have been so bad" or "Communist, huh theres an Idea" or something like that. But I am pretty sure that she just called me a communist, like in a negative way. If that is the case then I stand up with my communist brethren like Lucille Ball, Charlie Chaplin, Burgess Meredith, Zero Mostel, Howard Da Silva and all the others blacklisted or suspected of communism.

Thus spake Shaft at 5:28 PM

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Hey bebo:
No my dollar doesn't matter ;p

Ok maybe it does. You know, I probably should have just went to target and paid like 12 bucks and gotten a kettle that will last longer than the 5 dollar one anyway. Wallys is still gonna keep on doing what they do though, but maybe I don't have to contribute to it. Unless I am really broke.

I think you should get yourself some hot action. In my opinion you're one fine broad. There ain't nothin wrong with getten with the mens sometimes. You also know that if you got any problems with anybody in particular, you know people that hide the bodies right?
Our people got to stick together, even if they are in another state. Walking in on them getting it on, that's some cold shit on his part. You might also consider just cold-cocking him. I was thinking the other day how it might be fun to just pop somebody in the mouth one of these days. You just wait till somebody you got problems with starts up and then you just lay em out. Two hits, you hitting them, them hitting the floor. Who the hell said you had to leave town when you break up with someone. If you don't want to see them again just tell them that they have lost their (insert name of town here) privileges. If they don't take you seriously, blow the fuckers up. It would be fun. Not rational, but it might make you feel better.

In unrelated matters, I smell of soup.

Soup, I have clean clothes on and haven't had soup in ages but for some reason I still smell like soup.
Not just today either, whenever I wear my uniform pants I smell like soup. A cross between vegetable and chicken noodle. I can wash these pants all I want and I will still smell like soup when I wear them. The only way to mask it is with alot of fragrance and then I smell like a guido and soup. It isn't a bad smell it's just really disturbing.
Thus spake Shaft at 3:41 PM

Sunday, December 21, 2003

To miss bebo:
thing 1: Yes the stuff is wicked expensive and you could probably get it elsewhere. Like government auctions and the like. I have never heard of SWAP in Madtown so maybe if I ever had some bread and needed more furniture I could go there. Especially if they have a desk like the pedestal one, my fiberboard computer desk is starting to fall apart. When I am at work and browsing the uberweb I usually imagine myself as having more money than I know what to do with. It is a nice escape to pretend that I have money and time and need furniture. Some of the stuff they have in the new metal area you can have made custom with your choice of laminate top, so that's one up on the used stuff if you are trying to match something in the house and money is no object.

thing 2: I would love to spend all my dough at some other local mom and pop place but most of the businesses in this area are corporate owned. I am the first to say that one should support the local economy, for example why do we even sell dairy products from outside Wisconsin. I also know that Walmart is one of the more evil corporations. I have read most of this and some of the stories are pretty bad. I also only go to Wallyworld when I know I can get something there that other stores (also corporate) sell, but wallys has it for a significant amount cheaper. Like teakettles for instance. Now what I am about to write some people might hang me for but, Walmart is no different than many other corporate structures it's size. The level of human rights abuse and poor treatment of the workers and unionbusting and lieing and cheating and stealing is no different than here and here which are from today's google news. Also here in the guise of worldcom and of course we all know about here. Now that doesn't make what they are doing right or good just because everyone else is doing it. I am just saying that in the world of large corporate businesses the way that wallys does business is not uncommon. I am very proud when I support local business and can see the direct effect that my purchase has not only on the business owner and his or her family but also the community in general when the city realizes that putting money into maintaining once rundown areas is worth their while if people are shopping there. But those things I are on a very small scale and cause and effect matter in small scale. In big scale however things have to be done big. The small amount of people protesting wally and his world and all of the other big corporate monsters have no chance. Plain and simple. There is nothing wrong with trying to fight for what is right in the world but one has to eventually accept that which can not be changed. The rich corporate machines will always have the upper hand against the average middle class wage slave. I know that again that doesn't mean that it is ok to contribute to the evil but if you can't change it what does it hurt to give in every once in a while. In the grand scheme of things me buying or not buying a few items a year there is not going to make or break their store. Someday I would like to have enough money to say "I would like a teakettle and I will go the local merchant or a corporate one that doesn't rape the worker and I will buy a nice one", but that day may be far off. When it comes though, walmart can suck it. I would love to buy recycled asswipe and organic food and things that are good for me and the world around me but that shits expensive and I am not sacrificing my lifestyle for it. I am happy that others can but I can't. When I make the big bucks though that would be fine.

Now having said all of that:

Why the fuck didn't I think of heating water in a pan. I already have those.
Damn it. I could have saved myself five bucks.
Thus spake Shaft at 10:13 AM

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Ladies and gentlemen long long ago I had some trouble with a certain deli worker of Asian persuasion and some cheese. Today I had an incident that in those days would have made me writhe with anger, squirm with choler and dance with fury. But today I am a different person and today I took it all in stride. But what happened makes me wonder. Are all of the people that work at walmart blind stupid gotards. Heres the dilli-o.

I went to walmart to purchase a cheap teakettle. After looking for teakettles and not finding them I asked one of the blue vests where they were kept. I was led to the coffee maker section and shown electric teakettles. "I do not want an electric teakettle" I said, "But this is all we have", stated the blue vest. "Why don't you ask your manager if you carry non-electric teakettles", "ok" said blue vest. A few minutes later the blue vest comes back"There over in the pots and pans aisle," "Thank you" I said. Now, I have grown accustomed to incompetent teenage retail workers so that is not the thing that angered me so. No that came after I decided to purchase my items. Items, I decided that while I was at walmart I might as well buy the days groceries as well. So I ended up with 7 items, a teakettle, molasses cookies, gumbo mix, mayonnaise, polish sausage (because they don't have andouille or chorizo), a can of cashews and a box of pasta salad mix. I purchased my items and drove home and began to unpack them. In my bag was a teakettle, polish sausage, pasta salad and a can of cashews. 3 items missing, "Oh well, they must have fallen out of the bag in the car," I looked in the car and since they were not there I drove back to the walmart and asked the gal where my other items were and I was directed to customer service. In the customer service area a very surly and half asleep bluevest confirmed my items were mine and I was off toward home again with the 3 missing items.

Now wasn't that a wonderfully boring story kids.


The question I have to ask though is:
HOW MANY FUCKING BAGS DO YOU THINK SEVEN FUCKING ITEMS SHOULD GO IN. TWO THREE POSSIBLY SEVEN. YEAH THATS IT, I WANT A SEPARATE FUCKING BAG FOR EVERY FUCKING ITEM I BUY SO THE FUCKING ENVIRONMENT CAN GO TO HELL!!!!!


Thus spake Shaft at 3:19 PM

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

ohmygodohmygodohmygod, check this out.

Ohh, double pedestal desk you just made me J in my pants.

Ooooh, steel tanker side chair, I love you.
Thus spake Shaft at 6:31 PM

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, people of the world.

I have decided that I am gay.

A homosexual.

Not because I like dick, although I have to admit that given enough liquor and the right man I would be curious.

No my audience, I am gay because that way the bill collectors can not get to me.
Lately the local bill collector has had young attractive sounding women call and leave a message like this.

"Hey shaft, its susie, you should call me, I really want to hear from you. Dial xxx-xxxx"
or
"Shaft it's jennifer, could you give me a call at xxx-xxx"

So I figure that if I am gay than the girl calling me and me saying "Hey, is that the girl I talked to at the bar yesterday" thing won't work. And if they catch on and have guys call me, bestiality or necrophilia might be what I am into next. Just try and teach a sheep to use the phone, and for the necro, as the saying goes dead men tell no tales.

To quote Judy Tenuta, "No, you cannot posses me"
Thus spake Shaft at 10:55 PM

Monday, December 15, 2003

HEY I.T. FUCKERS AT SITES WHICH I WILL NOT NAME HERE. HEY!!!!! HEY!!!!! GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT FIXED. GET SOME FUCKING DECENT HOSTING. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WAIT 5 FUCKING MINUTES OR MORE FOR THE SHIT OFF YOUR SERVER WHEN I GET 2.3 MBITS DOWNLOAD. SOME OF YOUR SHIT WON'T EVEN DOWNLOAD AT ALL.

calm calm calm, moving on moving on moving on, better.

But the freaking websites still won't download.
Thus spake Shaft at 7:38 PM

Saturday, December 06, 2003

So today I went to match.com and took their personality profile. It asks you questions and then compares you against other men and ladies that have taken the test. For example I found out that I am generally more rational and level headed than most men. Ha Ha it's funny, it is to laugh.

But that's not the funny part.
The funny part is when I am matched against the ladies. The results are as follows.

Percentage breakdown in regards to my personality:
Very attracted to my personality: 1%
Attracted to my personality: 39%
Indifferent to my personality: 51%
Turned off by my personality: 9%

Only nine percent turned off, that's lame, I would have hoped for more. The indifferent ladies I am very proud of however. The one percent though, guess who you're going home with.

Women "my type":
Exactly: 7%
Mostly: 16%
Somewhat: 19%
Mostly not: 53%
Definitely not: 5%

Again I am a little disappointed that only five percent of the women are not my type. And again very proud of the fifty-three percent.
Now lets have fun. Lets figure out how many ladies in the United States of America would want my hot ass. According to the CIA factbook which is payed for by your and my tax dollars, and in my opinion is well worth it, there are 97,061,559 females in the U.S. age 15-64. Now 15 is a little young and 64 a tad bit old as well but let's use this number to give old shaft a better chance of scoring. Ok so only seven percent of the population I would want to get on so that brings the number down to 6,794,309. Not too bad, I would get tired out pretty fast with almost 7 million ladies at my disposal. But lets see how many of those ladies would actually want to get on me. One percent of 6,794,309 is 67,943 ladies. That is alot of ladies that would want shafts shaft. But lets get even more particular, lets use the same math on ladies in Wisconsin over 15 who are widowed, divorced or have never been married. I will spare you the details and give you the number, 669. Not too many to choose from. How about more specific, I would prefer a gal who has never been married, just like me. How many do I have to choose from...368 ladies.

So according to match.com 368 ladies are a perfect match for shaft in the state of Wisconsin, let's hope they all aren't horrific ugly fat slags.
Thus spake Shaft at 11:31 AM

Monday, December 01, 2003

I am very glad that I have not used my own name or that of any of the gang in my blog. This is only because what I am about to write could get me killed or at the very least my legs broken.

I am now an accomplice to illegal gambling.

You all may remember me speaking about the guy who uses the employee phones to call his bookie from work. Well now people are calling me to leave messages for friends regarding what their gambling picks are. Today I take the message for a person "name of team over name of team by 10 points for 150" or something like that. The person asking to leave the message says "she knows what that means". Yeah, I know what that means too dumbass. It means I'm passing messages along to someone to make illegal gambling bets. Now on the scale of illegal things to do gambling is near the bottom of the list. It's not like I am passing along messages regarding white slavery or drug deals. You would think they would want to keep me out of the loop though. Maybe by making up a code. That way the messages would be like "The steel pan was lost when the dozen sausages cooked it, it will take 150 dollars to replace" or "I think the tigerskin rug will be destroyed by the large black bird that crapped all over it, I have 300 dollars to replace it" I don't think they are that creative but they could at least give it a try. That way I wouldn't have to worry about the helicopters flying over or that guy with the baseball bat standing out in front of my house.

Thus spake Shaft at 9:03 PM