Tuesday, February 24, 2004

So I'm checking my e-mail before bed and when I close hotmail it goes to the msn page. I notice an article about why we have a leapyear. Now I have known why since I was in grade school but I figure I'll see if there is any other fun trivial info in the story. I was right, fun stuff about what different calenders have been proposed and struck down and the deeper specifics of leap year and this:

"In 1992 the average American worked 226 days, according to the Economic Policy Institute Study of Current Population Survey data, a trend that has gotten worse and only proves my point that we need a blank day, just to unwind".

So what is so remarkable about that shaft. Well I'll tell ya. If you do the math on the statistic to find how many working days in a 40 hour work week, 5 eight hour days x 52, you get 260. 260. Not 226. 260-226=34. 34 days that the average american is not working other than the 2 days off he gets a week.

Now, what I want to know is, what the fuck is the average american doing on those 34 days? How the fuck did he get those 34 days off? How the fuck does he pay his bills without that months wage?

How the fuck do I get those 34 days off?

The article states that we may need more days off "just to unwind". How the fuck do we need more days off? Aren't those 34 days plus the 2 others a week enough? That's 138 days. That's more than one third of the fucking year to sit on your ass and do nothing. Pretty soon we will be fucking France.

You want to know how many days I get off a year, 84. I suppose that's better than nothing. Now don't get me wrong, I know there are others that have it worse than me. But would I be me if I didn't bitch. Hell no. So I leave you with this, and it goes out to everyone who is overworked and underfucking paid.

"Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more"

Yeah that's right, I quoted from msn and Kansas in the same post.
You wanna make something of it?
Thus spake Shaft at 2:31 AM

Monday, February 23, 2004

Big shout out to the man, the invisible one, on the day of b.
Thus spake Shaft at 8:34 PM

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Bitch bitch bitch. That's all I ever do. Yeah well here's another one chump.

Earlier today I was cruising the msn websites and looking at the fashion/clothes part of msn: women. They had an article about how four different women would wear an outfit. The outfit consisted of a red turtleneck, skirt, mod coat and boots with tights. Now, the thing that pissed me off about it was that they insisted on calling the turtleneck sweater a turtle. So the sentences were like "I would wear the turtle on most occasions except really formal ones" or "I put the turtle on and it was really warm". I know I have bitched about this before but why does the world insist upon changing the names and meanings of things. Once upon a time a camisole was a camisole and they came in varieties from plain to frilly, tank to sleeveless. Now only the tank is a camisole and the sleeveless is a "shell". Ok, so now we have clarified the styles, fine. But they gotta take it too far, now any sleeveless shirt regardless of it's fabric, frilliness or purpose is called a shell. Yes, generally it should go under something to be called a shell, but I have seen plain old, meant to be worn in hot weather sleeveless shirts called shells. So now the turtle is an Item of clothing as well. "My what a lovely turtle you are wearing, wherever did you get it" See how retarded that sounds. If I commented on the fox you were wearing it would most likely be a fur, but last I checked no one makes a turtle coat. So I have decided to rename all of the clothing I wear.

From now on my clothing we be referred to thusly:
Button down shirt = plastron
Tie = noose
Suit = paramountcy
T-shirt = husk
Sweater = pelt
Pants = integument
Underwear = pericarp
Shoes = hulls
Socks = tubes
Coat = carapace
Hat = pot
Scarf = swing
Gloves = ganglion

To use them all in context: Bill got up at 6am as usual. After a long shower he dried himself off and put on his favorite pair of pericarp and a black pair of tubes. He pulled a crisp white husk out of the drawer and slipped it over his head. He looked in his closet for the new paramountcy his wife bought him for his birthday, he would knock him dead in the boardroom today, he was sure of it. He proceeded to finish dressing, putting on the matching plastron and noose. He grabbed a shiny pair of black hulls from the shelf, laced them on and went down stairs. His wife was already cooking breakfast, warm and snug in the pelt she had just finished knitting and pair of sweat integument. "10 degrees outside" she said, bacon frying in the pan. "Don't forget to wear your pot and swing". "Where are they?", he queried. "I hung them up by your carapace and I put your ganglia in the pockets, I don't want you catching cold". Despite the weather, today was going to be a great day.

Now everyone in the world will have to buy new clothes. You may have a pair of pants. But do you have a pair of integument? I didn't think so.
Thus spake Shaft at 12:36 PM

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages I have a name for my car.

After much deliberation and many good suggestions I have decided that my new automobile will be named:

Egg Shen

Why Egg Shen?

Well, you know what power it has under the hood?
A six demon bag that's what.

What does it run on?
Black blood of the earth.

So there you have it kids and remember:

It's all in the reflexes.
Thus spake Shaft at 7:34 PM

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Here is a fun quote from the Bermuda travel website FAQ:

Can I bring my own food to Bermuda?
Some foodstuffs are dutiable and the amount varies between 5% and 22.25% of value. But when foodstuffs are brought in with passenger baggage, the duty rate applicable is 22.25% of the value. This also applies to meat for personal consumption.

Visitors may bring in up to 20 lbs. without a meat inspection certificate provided the meat accompanies them. If importing more than 20 lbs., then a meat inspection certificate is required from the Department of Health & Social Services. Any amount of meat imported via air freight or unaccompanied baggage must have a meat inspection certificate and is dutiable at the rate of 5%.

I know when I travel to a beautiful tropical island I like to bring my own meat with me. What in the hell are people going to Bermuda doing to warrant this question being in a FAQ. Also how do they keep the meat from spoiling? How much meat can you fit in your carryon?
Thus spake Shaft at 9:37 PM

Saturday, February 07, 2004

First and foremost much luck to miss bebo in the auditions for the URTA. I would have loved to join you but I got me one of them jobby jobs that ain't got no vacation. As if you couldn't gather that from previous posts. I've not seen you act but I'm sure their minds will be blown wide with the wicked kung fu you possess. If you don't make it, remember that you now know how to cartwheel kick someone in the noggin.

Second I was looking too see if The Neverending story is available on DVD, and it is. It occurred to me though that that movie contains one of the great mysteries of my childhood. What name does Bastion yell out the window for to name the princess? We know it's his mothers name. "My mother had a beautiful name" he says to the book. When we here him yell in the movie all you can make out is "Mmmphhaaaaeee!!!". So I went to the google and looked it up. I found one site that said what is was and I couldn't believe it. So I looked for more sites. They all said the same thing, that Bastion names the princess the dumbest name possible.
Moonchild.
Moonchild.
What the fuck kinda name is that. All my life I wonder what the kid calls the princess and it's some dumbass hippy bullshit. The princess is crying and begging him to give her a name. Literally, tears from the princess, and he calls her some crap like moonchild. If I was the princess I'd be like "Moonchild, you dumb fucking kid, I'm the princess of the god damned crystal tower, I ain't gonna go by moonchild. Pick again." Of course judging by the constipated look on the kids face when he tries to decide and the fact that he waits long enough for the whole world to be destroyed except for himself, the princess, and one grain of sand. The princess would probably take whatever she could get. So anyway mystery solved, but boy am I disappointed.
But that brings us to the third thing.

What name should I give my new car?

I would like suggestions from the gang as my car does not yet have a name. Now I don't think the world will be destroyed anytime soon by not naming it, but all my cars have had a name, so this one should too. Please refrain from using the color of the car in the name or the word sedan (the last two were magic sedan 1 and 2) and I am especially not calling it Moonchild. I would offer a prize for the one I pick but I don't know what It could be. Maybe I'll give the winner the turky of indeterminate age in my freezer or the frozen chilli of indeterminate age. Of course those would really be more like punishments than prizes so maybe the winner will have to be satisfied with the warm feeling of being good with words.
Thus spake Shaft at 11:01 AM

Thursday, February 05, 2004

59 miles

59 miles

That's what it says on the odometer

of my

(in your best Rod Roddy voice)

Brand New Car
Thus spake Shaft at 7:25 PM

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

So I was going to post a long tirade against all the people complaining about Janet, miss Jackson if your nasty.
I was gonna talk about Madonna and reimaging yourself in the public eye and Britney and not being notecast and different demographics. But I am tired. So this is what you get.

1. She is, after all, a Jackson.
2. People who are angry about it are stupid.

because

3. For christ's sake people, it's just a booby.
4. Just like your momma has.
Thus spake Shaft at 7:23 PM