Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Well miss Barbara Jackson that would be downright rad having your presence closer to us. I haven't read any of the plays that you mention except for the Seagull. I don't know that having Steppenwolf involved with any play is really a good idea though. I mean come on, Magic Carpet Ride was a fine song and Born To Be Wild was o.k. Some believe it was the beginning of a new era in music, but really they are so tie-dye, so hippy, so done. Now I mean they are not Dokken done but I think we have all been there before. Now, there is one band that would be wonderful for the theatre world and that in my opinion is The Edgar Winter Group. They are already kind of theatrical what with Mr. Winter having the long white hair and all of the stage fun. Just check out the website. I mean the only way to get more theatrical than a rock group fronted by an albino is to resurrect Bob Fosse from the dead and have him choreograph the band.
Thus spake Shaft at 5:31 PM

Sunday, March 28, 2004

"If you do not have a pen of your own then that's too bad mister, you will get no sympathy from me!"

That's what I'd like to say to the wash of people who have come past my desk to sign up for new safety training. I used to have a few pens that I could give out but every single one that I put out someone took. So I got more pens. They took those too. So now I don't bother anymore. They know where the friggen supply rooms are and they know damn well that they have boxes and boxes of pens there for free. Some business' have a guy who takes inventory and lords over the office supplies. Not here, it's free pens for everyone, take as many as you like.
"But the supply room is all the way over by the copy machine, that's like 75 feet away!" Whine. Whine. Whine.
"It's o.k. I know how hard it is to walk all the way to the copy machine. Here, I'll get those pens for you. You sit down and rest while it takes me the whole 30 seconds to walk there and back. Would you like some tea or coffee while you wait? No, o.k. how about when I get back I ram the pens up your ass and make you dance a jig?"

My favorite phrase of the day is "How come we have to come in on our day off to get safety trained? I was safety trained when I started work here and that should be good enough"
The parent company wants everyone to be safety trained annually. In the past you were safety trained once when you were hired and if you worked here 30 years you were never trained again. But now since the company has a habit of sending people to the hospital and often enough to the morgue they decided that every employee, even in the offices, gets safety trained every year. I would assume that the insurance companies give them a break for it and I would also assume that lawsuits are less prevalent and harder to win when the employee is told annually not to stick his arm in the fucking machine. I do have to say that losing one of your days off to a six hour training is a bitch. But, THEY MAKE FUCKING DOUBLE TIME TO SIT THERE AND DO FUCKING NOTHING! Just so you understand, that means that an entry level employee will make a little more than 125 dollars to eat catered bagels and muffins and drink coke and stare at a fricken movie screen. Oh, didn't I tell you, they bring in bagels and muffins and soft drinks for these events. Yep, sure wouldn't want me an all I can eat continental breakfast and a check for 125 bucks, no siree, that would just blow donkey ass!
Thus spake Shaft at 1:15 PM

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Sitting next to me is one piece of pizza and three pieces of cake. Large pieces of cake, with the big flowers on them. It was brought to me by the first shift guy at work. "Here you go" he says with the first piece of cake and the piece of pizza. "I grabbed this for you out of the lunchroom." Then he leaves for about five minutes and comes back with two more pieces of cake. "I grabbed the last two pieces," he says. Now they just sit there, and soon I will throw them out. I will throw them out in the large garbage can in the lunchroom and not the small one behind my desk so that no one will know that they even existed. Unfortunately I will not be able to remove myself from all that the cake represents because whether I eat it or throw it out, it was left in my possession. It was forced into my possession. Now I have the responsibility of the cake and all that it entails. But shaft it's just cake, right? How can it mean anything more than just a sugary baked good? Well, you see the cake was for a retirement party at the plant. I did not know the person. By consuming the cake I am saying that I have a link to the person. That I share in the joy of his or her retirement. I do not. I don't care. I don't even know who the person is. So I will not eat the retirement cake.

I will also not eat the donuts. Two days ago one of the gals in the office brought down a package for fed-ex to pick up. It was a personal package and not one for the business so she felt that we were doing her some big favor by minding it until it was picked up and collecting the tracking number when it was. She thanked me numerous times for doing it to which I always responded that she is the customer and my job is to serve the customer and I am not doing anything over and above what my job entails. Today the package was picked up and the number collected and when I gave it to her she asked if I enjoyed the donuts. I told her that I was not aware of any donuts and that it didn't matter anyway as no thanks is necessary and that I usually do not eat when on duty. She waved my statement away and asked me if I had even seen the donuts. I had not. She got a confused look on her face and stated that she had given the morning guy a half dozen donuts to share with all of the guards who minded her package for her. I repeated that I had not seen any donuts but thanks anyway, no thanks and with an annoyed look she said that she hoped then that the morning guy enjoyed a whole box of donuts.

This brings us back to the cake. Whenever there is any food delivered for a meeting or party or "pigout" as the people here call them. The guards are always offered to partake. I always thank them for the invitation and I always decline. How can I keep a professional distance with the clients if I act like I am one of them? Even if I worked here I would not partake as work is for working, not for "pigging out." I had complained to the other night guard about how the food was always forced on me and that I felt embarrassed when it was. I was told that his theory is that the morning guy deep down feels guilty about including himself and so he forces food on us so that he isn't the only one who partook. As far as he knows I eat everything he brings me and so then his conscience is not guilty. I have only once, when I was really hungry, eaten anything that he forced upon me. In every other instance I have thrown it out.

So going by the above logic the reason I have three very large pieces of cake and a piece of pizza next to me is because:
1. He ate half a dozen donuts and feels guilty.
2 He ate probably three pieces of cake himself and feels guilty.

All of which brings me to two questions.
1. How can one man eat that much sugar in a day?
and
2. How do I stop him from including me in his madness?

I am sure none of it will really matter in the long run but I hate having to try and cover up and hide the things that are brought to me so that no one will see them. I am rarely embarrassed by anything, I can wear a kilt and have people peek under and I don't care and I tell stories about fisting to complete strangers. But I try to keep a formal and professional image at work and sitting around stuffing my face with cake just doesn't fit.

You want to know what the saddest part about all of this is? For the last couple of days, I've had a hankering for cake.
Thus spake Shaft at 7:43 PM

Saturday, March 20, 2004

So today I'm looking up stuff about vegas "Vegas baby, Vegas!, Vegas!." So where else to go but vegas.com where you can read about all of the fun stuff that the city has to offer. One of the things I came across is the description of a topless show that is at the Riviera. Its called crazy girls and is supposed to be "one of the most erotic shows in town." But everytime I read this excerpt from the review I bust out laughing.

"They're also not afraid to be naughty, feeding the male fantasy by fondling themselves, each other and anything else in their paths. And if that doesn't get you worked up, certainly their outfits - which include see-through leotards, negligees and leather chaps, will.

These girls know how to have fun. In the song "You've Gotta Have Boobs," they poke some fun at themselves with the line "Silicone's a girl's best friend." Indeed, you'll never see so much silicone in one room again."

To me there is nothing more hot than random fondling, leather chaps and silicone. I just keep having this vision of a girl with enormous fake boobs in leather chaps and she keeps fiddling with "anything in her path," chairs, tables, people, the drapes, your steak, her chaps, the doorman. I'm sure some men would find it hot but I'm pretty sure I'd get thrown out of the show for falling off my chair in fits of giggles.


Thus spake Shaft at 9:54 AM

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

So today is St. Patricks day, one of the traditional days for Shaft to get buck wild. But there will be no wilding today as I work tomorrow. So does everyone else. So there would be no one around to witness said buckwildingness or engage in it with me. So I'm a little sad about that. Perhaps I will make up for the non buck wildness today by getting buck wild tomorrow. Of course everyone works on Friday as well, so I will have to make the wildness by myself. At least that way if I suddenly become nude no one will be shocked. My cat is quite familiar with the sight of me pantsless.

So since today is Irish day I started thinking about how most of my family has had traditional Irish jobs throughout their lives. My dad was a cop and a bartender and a laborer. My mom has been and still is a janitor. My brother has been a janitor and is currently unemployed but that seems sort of Irish. He steals music on the internet. Theivery is Irish. Me, I am currently in a cop like uniform and I was once a professional drunk. The only way to get more Irish than that is if I started writing bad literature (just my opinion on Joyce). So anyway, we have all had Irish jobs at one point.
Now.
One quarter of my genes are supposedly Jewish. How come I can't get any of those jobs. Doctor, Lawyer, diamond broker. Could it hurt if I got any of the jobs even close to that. I was in retail for a long time though. That's pretty Jewish. Oh well, too goyim to get the discount.

So anyway, enough whining, here is my wish for today.

Here's to a long life and a merry one
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer and another one!
Thus spake Shaft at 6:56 PM

I also am kitties who can be food. I actually found this out a few months ago when Steph posted about it, but I never posted it on my blog. Now I have. There you go.



What San-X Character Are You?
Thus spake Shaft at 5:11 PM

Saturday, March 13, 2004

So the house just passed a bill that will in increase the fines for obscene language on the air.

"The bill would raise the maximum fine for a broadcast license holder from $27,500 to $500,000. The fine for a performer would jump from $11,000 to $500,000, and the FCC regulation that requires an individual to receive a warning first is repealed."

It passed 391-22. I only have one thing to say to all of the conservative, bible beating, censoring members of congress.

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, asshole, cocksucker, motherfucker.

Thus spake Shaft at 11:56 AM

Long story short I came across this and thought somebody else might enjoy it.
Thus spake Shaft at 11:37 AM

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

O.K. So the bitch just stands there slapping the envelope on the fucking counter.

Slap Slap Slap Slap Slap Slap Slap.

So I look over finally. She has a human resource envelope in her hand. I get about 4 or 5 a day. I take them and put them in the interoffice mail pile.

Most people say "Could you take this for me?" or "Here you go." Then I say "I can take that for you." They smile. I smile. No problem.

But not this bitch.

Slap Slap Slap Slap Slap Slap Slap.

So I take the envelope with my usual "I can take that for you." Then she says something. I look up and she is fucking glaring at me. I don't know what she said but I don't think it was friendly. She just stands there, this seething psycho fucking look on her face.

So I take the envelope. Put it on the pile. And go back to reading. Cool. The bitch can't faze me.

YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID! THE FUCKING DIRTY CUNT FUCKING PSYCHO FUCKING BITCH CAN'T FAZE ME!

Cool.


Thus spake Shaft at 9:12 PM

Sunday, March 07, 2004

Dear miss Velveteen:

I do apologize for the sullying. It was not my intention to make you look as if you knew anything. My only assumption was that you are more familiar with the early 90's Manchester sound than I. In the future I will refrain from asking for your tutelage on anything of the musical sort.

The creeps are quite good when done properly. In fact I think they are the best in all of Sweden.

The sink is a major problem but somehow I don't believe nudity will cause the drain to clear. I would suggest being very serious with the drain and making sure that it knows what is expected of it. One might want to resort to yelling and name calling in these situations, but I would suggest being kind but firm. Insist that the drain clear this instant and explain to it why you expect it to do so. It is a drain after all and once it realizes it's place in this world I think it will go back to functioning normally.

In regards to the balancing of the checkbook might I suggest the use of a device known as a calculator. They can be had at just about any discount store and are designed specifically for doing simple arithmetic calculations. They really do save alot of paper, ink and time.

With best wishes, Dat Nigga Shaft.
Thus spake Shaft at 8:46 AM

Saturday, March 06, 2004

Ok so the I'm Free song from that commercial has been running through my head still. I assumed that it was done by the Happy Mondays and Velveteen had concurred yesterday at the bar.

The song is not by the Happy Mondays however. It is by the Soup Dragons, and it's not even theirs. It was originally done by the Rolling Stones on their 1965 album December's Children.

So anyway, there you go.
Thus spake Shaft at 9:24 AM

Thursday, March 04, 2004

I LOVE AMERICA!

You wanna know why I love America?

There are many, many reasons. But today's reasons are:

The fact that I can buy a whole cooked chicken from Pick and Save for 4 dollars!

Huber beer in 12 pack non returnable (but recyclable) bottles.

The classic R+B station on digital cable radio. Sister Sledge is playing right now!

The fact that my house in no longer a filth-sty. The bathroom and kitchen need work but at least all the garbage and shite is out of the living room.

That's it for today, I'm sure there will be more reasons to come.
Thus spake Shaft at 5:56 PM

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Ok so now you should go here and read all the funny things you can say in aramaic for when you see mel's gorefest.
Thus spake Shaft at 7:42 PM

So I was just flipping thru pages linked to a google search for shoes and I came across this quote from some baby site.

"The proper fit for fast-growing feet is important, however. When you do buy outside shoes, make sure there's a space as wide as your index finger (about 1/2 inch) between the end of the shoes and your baby's piggies. Shoes should also be wide and flexible enough to allow your daughter's footsies room to wiggle."

So Shaft, why do we care?

Well, this quote illustrates one of the things I hate most about fucking breeders. Once they have spawn they lose the ability to speak like a fucking adult. What's even worse is that this quote is from a medical doctor.

Just spreading the hate.
Have a good day.
Thus spake Shaft at 7:30 PM