Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Ladies and Gentlemen there is something I need to report to you.
Something that is a great injustice. A travesty. A stain on the fabric of the otherwise great state that we live in. Something so bad that every time I think of it, it makes me cry. Not just one lonely tear, but
big uncontrollable sobs.
The matter that gives me such great pain every time I think of it ladies and gentlemen, is that there is one, only one lonely Long John Silvers in our state. There is a matter that compounds the situation ladies and gentlemen, and that is the fact that the one and only Long John Silvers in our state, is exactly 74.15 miles away from my humble home. Oh help me! Help me god of fried foods. I can not go there on a whim as those blessed folks who live near it can. I can not partake of the holy hushpuppies any time I want. I can not eat a chicken plank, that's right, not a chicken portion, not a chicken stick, not even a chicken filet, but a chicken plank anytime I would like. The thing that really and truly hurts me deepest though, is that I can not partake of the communion of THE GIANT SHRIMP (said in a loud booming voice). Ladies and gentlemen, if you are not aware, I am speaking of a tasty, deep fried, golden brown shrimp half a foot long.
I wish something could be done about this, but I do not believe that any of us can solve a problem that is this big. So I must go ladies and gentlemen, go and come to terms with this horrible, horrible atrocity.
Do not fret for me, I am strong. I will survive.
I only hope everyone of you will be able to do the same.
Thus spake Shaft at 9:30 PM

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Hey hey kids. Today I was roaming about the internet and happened on the Williams-Sonoma website. I am sure many of you who are fond of cooking have perused it many times but this is the first time I have looked at anything on there in any depth. The website is rad, so many nifty things to buy for the kitchen and the home and recipes and articles to read and I wish I had a giant old house and tons of cash to blow. In looking through the site I came across the mixes they sell for bundt cakes. Follow my link and click on the bundt cake boxes, now look at the bold line of text above the copy. See the circle R after the word bundt. I ask myself, are they trademarking Williams-Sonoma Bundt or is the word Bundt trademarked by some other company? As usual I turn to the great and wise google to answer all questions that need answering. By searching through a couple different sites I find that the word Bundt circle R is a registered trademark of Robin Hood Multifoods Inc. Ok, so question answered. In my search, one of the websites that I came across is for a company called B.C. Bundt. They make cakes. Their front page also has some of the worst copy that I have read.

Now, I don't claim to know everything about the English language. I am probably pretty bad at spelling and grammar compared to the learned among us but I am pretty sure that I know more than the unwashed masses. So, having said that, let's look at the first sentence.

",which is basically a round cake with a hole in the middle."

When I was in first grade we were given sentences to examine that had extra stuff in them and we had to tell the teacher what didn't belong or what could be left out. Maybe the person who wrote the copy was sick that day. Also, in the same sentence, wouldn't it sound much nicer if it said that the company was one "that produces bundt cakes and round cakes exclusively."
But,let's forget about the rest of the paragraph, nobody wants to read an English lesson on my blog.
Let's skip to the best part.

"as well as our newest Hispanic cake for the growing Hispanic population"

Every time I read this it makes me laugh. I keep thinking of a group of marketers and executives sitting around a conference table and they decide that the thing most lacking in the Hispanic community is cake. I wish they made other racial types of cake. I want to be able to say to someone "Hey honey while your at the store could you get me some negro cake." One day after a nice meal you think to yourself "Man, you know what would really top this great meal off is some Mongoloid cake, yeah that would really taste great." How about some tasty Athabascan or Aleut cake, wouldn't that be awesome. The best cake of them all of course would be the Celtic cake, MMMMM you can just taste the potatoes and whiskey.
Thus spake Shaft at 7:59 PM

Sunday, April 25, 2004

While doing my usual weekend reading of news and events of the past week, I came across this fun article. You really should read it. But since I know some of you may not. I will quote the best part.

"The Department of Energy is spending an astonishing $6.5 billion on nuclear weapons this year, and President Bush is requesting $6.8 billion more for next year and a total of $30 billion over the following four years. Measured in "real dollars" (that is, adjusting for inflation), this year's spending on nuclear activities is equal to what Ronald Reagan spent at the height of the U.S.-Soviet standoff. It exceeds by over 50 percent the average annual sum ($4.2 billion) that the United States spent—again, in real dollars—throughout the four and a half decades of the Cold War."

To quote Kyle Broflovski's mother "What what what!"

I could quote some really intelligent philosophical thing about peace and no war and all that crap, but I think a gentleman by the name of Al Yankovic sums it up nicely.

"Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin'.
It's the end of all humanity.
No more time for last minutes shoppin'.
It's time to face your final destiny."

Thus spake Shaft at 8:34 AM

Thursday, April 15, 2004

So I was gonna post something to further the discussion about cooking baking science art that plinko had posted about, but I am dead fucking tired. I don't know why, but I almost didn't make it out of bed today and I have been tired all day. People have even been saying to me that I look tired. So I don't feel like thinking right now.
So instead I will post the description for an episode of the flip flop shop staring Mary Lou Retton from Christianbook.com. Don't ask me how I came across it, I don't remember.

Mary Lou's Flip Flop Shop is an entertaining and educational new video series that will have children everywhere jumping off the couch to join in with the flipping and flopping! The show is set in a wonderful "moving" environment (designed by Emmy award winner Jimmy Cuomo). Everything is "bigger than life'...chairs, stairs, doors, windows, everything "flips and flops"...it's a fun shop full of imagination. Kids will meet wonderful new characters including Jumpy, Mary Lou's sidekick and best friend, Miss Warble, the Flip Flop Shop Custodian, Mr. Bump, the gangly, charming, clumsy delivery man, Professor Blinky the wise owl professor, and L.Z. Bones, the one who never wants to get up and get moving...he always has an excuse! The "real" kids that arrive at the Shop each day are from a mixed ethnic group and will give children viewers at home someone they can relate to and who can also illustrate the "Creative Movements" they should be joining in with.
In Learning to Share, everyone is anticipating the big Flip Flop Shop baseball game. But before the game even begins, things start to fall apart because no one wants to share! It doesn't take long before all the friends are arguing and "Coach" Bump has to cancel the game. But when Jumpy sets and example, the whole group learns what it really means to share, and the game is back on!
Thus spake Shaft at 9:18 PM

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Right now, there are some of the most beautiful fat fluffy white goose down like snow flakes falling.
It really is pretty watching them fall, so light and graceful.

Too bad its fucking Easter.

So anyway Merry Chrism...

I mean, Happy Easter!
Thus spake Shaft at 9:33 AM

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Good thing, bad thing.

Good thing: driving from the grocery store to my house after 11 p.m. Yellow lights all the way, set the cruise at 30 mph and you don't even have to touch the pedals till you reach home.

Bad thing: All the freaks at the grocery store at that hour. Usually they are pretty boring and most of the time they leave you alone, but the stuff in their carts is just strange. Like the two people in line in front of me on Tuesday night. Guy #1 had 4 loaves of white bread, 8, yep, 8 gallons of white milk and 2 gallons of chocolate. Guy #2 had, and I am not exaggerating, half a cart full of various canned fish products and two bags of spanish peanuts.

Maybe they're just really picky eaters.
Thus spake Shaft at 12:36 AM

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Today I have rediscovered something about myself. I rediscovered that I am either very good or very bad at work banter. Otherwise known as shooting the shit. When two people engage in small talk about work affairs that may or may not lead to something. Banter if done properly can bond one employee to the other in that we are all in the same boat way. Banter can also alienate two employees if they do not agree on something. This is often when one employee agrees or complies with someone in power in the company and the other employee does not. This can be done with outright disagreement but body language and non answers like "Oh, I don't know about that" or "Yeah, well" are usually the norm. The bonding can be beneficial if an individual is singled out for something, as another employee the individual has bonded with may be more apt to include themselves and stand by the individual in the situation be it positive or negative. If an employee alienates himself by either not engaging in banter or not including themselves in the group, they can find it very hard to advance in the company or sometimes, to even do their daily tasks. Banter is very important in the workplace.

Today I had to engage is banter. I do not mind really as I am generally a friendly person, but the person whom I was engaging in banter with kept referencing people and events that I knew nothing about. Now one can not just ask about every person or event as the person who started the banter will become bored with explaining himself and will end the conversation. The worst that can come of this is that the employee will not see me as one of the crew, that I am not in the same boat, and that may alienate me. So it is important to only ask certain things to be explained so that one can keep a balance in the conversation. Deciding what to have the person explain is done through a combination of intuition, prior knowledge, and asking about events prior to your employment. Intuition allows one person to understand another through body language and assuming that certain things lead to other certain things. Prior knowledge is a very important element in intuition as it allows for a base to link things to and a spring board to jump off in your understanding. Events prior to your employment are always safe things to ask about as you would not be expected to know anything about them. The explaining of past events can in turn fuel the intuition and feed the prior knowledge allowing one to gain a greater understanding about the entire conversation. Armed with a greater understanding one can jump to conclusions and venture opinions or quips related to the topics that the other person is discussing. This then will make the other person assume that you understand the thoughts they are trying to convey and the bonding can happen. If this is all done properly one needn't really say much to keep the conversation going, all one must do is relate at least a few insights from ones own past or offer quotes or quick anecdotes to make it look like you are actively engaging in the conversation. The unfortunate thing about engaging in banter this way is that since one comes away from the conversation still not having a complete idea as to what they were just discussing, one can not really know if the bonding has happened until one is singled out. Still, it is very important to engage in the banter as not engaging could lead to much worse things for the individual.

So I think what I am trying to say, is that I don't really know if I pull this off all of the time. In the past when I have been singled out, others that I have engaged in banter with (either knowing or not knowing what I was talking about), have come to my aid or agreed with me.
So I must be doing something right.
Thus spake Shaft at 8:15 PM